I thought it was supposed to get easier.

I have been getting a lot of grief because I don't update my blog as often as I used to while I was in Hawaii. I could blame it on being busy, but the truth is I'm sad many days and I don't want to write. My friend Shauna said maybe I should use this as a journal to get my feelings out. I like the idea but do I really want to put all that out there? So I think I'll just do it this once so you can understand where I am coming from emotionally and then I will really will try to get better. I really thought as time passed things would get easier emotionally. Time does heal all wounds and I guess I need to give things time. I'm so impatient. So here I go, something I haven't discussed ever on this blog, the miscarriage.

When I had the miscarriage, all I wanted to do was be with Andy in Hawaii. Two weeks later I was with him but then I was so happy to be with him I buried my feelings about the loss of the baby (I'm thinking this is what happened). I say this because now that I'm back home, I feel like I'm grieving again where I left off. I think that's odd but I know everything has a process and I need to go through the process completely before I feel better. You can only run away from things for so long before it catches up with you.

I also think I'm super sad to be away from Andy. I know that we are lucky and I need to get over it. That being said, its hard just the same.

Lastly, I'm having a hard time not having my own classroom and my own kiddos to teach. I often feel like I'm just baby-sitting when I'm subbing. I hope when I start the long-term sub position I will feel better about things and I'll feel worth something.

So there you have it. I'm bummed out. Lets hope things get better soon. I'm so very lucky that I can talk to Andy about things and he is always so supportive.